The Right to Bear Arms

This is another Right you would think was important, after all, it was put as #2. You do not have the right to bear arms unless the Government decides you do. Unless of course you are a criminal, then you can have all the weaponry that you feel you need. After all, you need to protect yourself from that Police Officer that is trying to stop you from earning a living breaking into houses or dealing drugs. You also need to protect yourself from that homeowner that may be illegally possessing a firearm and have the gall to try to stop you from taking what he has collected.

Normal citizens living their daily lives, have no need to own a gun. If you are ever confronted by anything dangerous, all you have to do is call 911. And within minutes (true the number of minutes could vary drastically) the police will arrive to save the day. If someone enters your home with a gun, first, don't worry. I am sure the person is a career criminal and trained at this so you should feel confident you are in good hands. Second, after you call 911 ask the kind criminal to hurry and leave before the police arrive with their guns because you don't want a blood stain on your nice carpet. I am sure some nervous people will worry that the criminal will harm them. Don't worry your pretty little head about that, the police will be there within minutes. You may have to ask nicely so you can use your phone to call 911 then if the criminal does want to hurt you, just ask him nicely to hold on for just a few minutes (while you wait for the police to get there).

Now there are a lot of states that are slacking on the gun control laws. They will let you keep a gun in your home and you can even carry a gun with you if you get a special permit. I know some states you must store the gun separate from the bullets. Again, if someone comes into your home, just ask him to hold on a minute. I am sure he won't mind waiting for you to get your gun loaded so you can protect yourself. Lucky for us, the Federal Government is working on taking care of these slacking states. They will get gun control laws in effect just give them a little time. They have to sneak the laws in unrelated bills otherwise there are some people who "cling to their guns and religion" that don't seem to want to give them up.

Free Speech, Press & Right of Assembly

Now this right you would think would be important because it was put as #1 in the Bill of Rights by our founding fathers. You have the right to free speech and freedom of the press unless you are a conservative talk radio show or part of the "chattering class". Then Congress will try to silence you by establishing the "fairness doctrine" or claim you must represent "local" interests. This means there needs to be both sides presented by each station. If they don't limit this only to talk radio (and how can they, right?) this would mean that when you turn on your favorite radio station, you will hear one country song, then you will have one hip hop, followed by classic rock, heavy metal, an easy listening selection then a few oldies because they will have to get one from each era, 90s 80s 70s 60s 50s and maybe throw in some 40s. Who knows they may throw in a Latin selection, too.

According to the Honorable Chuck Schumer, conservative talk radio is no different than pornography. To be honest, when they play Reverend Wright or read the details of the wonderful Stimulus Bill, I become very offended, maybe that is what Mr. Schumer means that they should be treated as pornography.

You have the right to freely assemble but be warned, if you do assemble in support of a cause that is not popular among the liberals, your opposition will go to the courts to get the names of the members of that group so they can harass you at your home and work. Your name, employer and address will be listed on a website for all the crazies to obtain and make your life miserable. So BEWARE.

Abortion

You have the right to kill your child as long as you do it before the child is born. There is no reason you should have to be inconvenienced by a baby or have your body disfigured by the little parasite. After all, you didn't know that engaging in sex was the way babies were made, right? Oh, you did know that. Okay, well you shouldn't have to worry about birth control, after all there are so few choices and they are so hard to get a hold of and very unromantic. And heaven forbid you have the baby and place it up for adoption so it can be raised by a loving couple, it is after all your child and if you don't want it, why should you let someone else have that blessing in their lives. Don't concern yourself with the wishes of the sperm donor either, it is your choice and yours alone, doesn't he know he is just a human vibrator. He does not get a say in this decision.

If you do decide to have the baby, you have the right to go after the sperm donor for financial support. I know, I know this doesn't make sense, you make all the decisions, the sperm donor and the child have to live (oops or die) with your decision, but hey that is your right. No one said life is fair.

Don't concern yourself with the fact that the baby is the only person in the scenario that did not make a choice. (S)he didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal. You are probably doing the child a favor anyway, (s)he would probably rather be dead then have you for a parent.

You have the right to own a home

Even if you can't afford the home you want, even if you can't or won't make the payments and even if you don't have a job. You don't have to be like those silly people that scrimped and saved and deprived themselves certain luxuries so they would have a down payment. Then they bought a smaller house then they would have preferred because they limited their purchase to what they could afford and still have a little left at the end of the month to plan for their retirement. And they have a little rainy day fund just in case something unexpected comes up they will still be able to make the house payment and follow through with their contractual obligation. No, you don't have to do that.

After you do buy a home, if the market goes down, you have the right to turn the house back to the bank. I mean just because you signed a contract to repay the bank loan, why should you have to accept the consequences of your decision to buy that house at that time for that price. You didn't know the market was going to go down and you should not have to make payments on a house that is not worth today what you paid for it. If you can't make a big enough profit, why should you have to stay in that house you should just be able to walk away and try again with another house.

If the bank doesn't want to accept the consequences for your choice, you have the right to go before a judge who will restructure the loan for you. You just tell the judge what you can pay and they will force the bank to "write off" the difference. Don't worry that the "write off" actually comes out of shareholders and 401(k) balances because you don't need a 401(k) you will have social security and Medicare to take care of your retirement expenses.